Why Blog Now?

I'm sure that all three of you readers have wondered "Why is she returning to the blogosphere after all this time? Why now?" 

Here are my myriad answers. Some may or may not be fabricated for the sake of my own entertainment. 

1. Covid. Because covid is to blame for everything being FUBAR and so much of the population hiding safely indoors away from the plague that is anti-vaxxers. We all need something to smile about, even if it is my crinkly ass you're reading about. Which you will be.
2. I love talking about myself. Come on, we all love talking about ourselves regardless of how fascinating we actually are/not. The trick is to find a way to make even the most mundane things interesting, like about how I still had my Christmas tree up in July because my dog loves scratching her back on the branches. It's the only damn thing she'll play with, so BOOM she gets a year-round Christmas tree. I can't wait to explain that to dates in the future, assuming it is ever safe again to kiss someone without a mask on. 
3. I can only spend so much time with fictional characters before I start talking about them in conversation as if they were real people.
4. Blogging about my misadventures in exercising and dieting means that I have publicly stated to all three of my readers (I'm kidding of course for the sake of earning your pity, I really have nine) that I am engaging in these activities and am therefore more likely to continue doing them to avoid embarrassment. (Please do not bring up NaNoWriMo as evidence against this because I HAVE WRITER'S ANXIETY AND IT IS VERY SERIOUS OKAY. GOD.)
5. I miss blogging. It was very satisfying and therapeutic and most importantly, validating. My self-esteem is so piss-poor these days that I will take validation in any and all forms, please and thank you. 
6. Sometimes I write things on Twitter that I need more than 280 characters to explain properly. Such as this recent tweet: "I’m attempting yoga. Meanwhile my dog is peeking at me from behind the ottoman like Mommy’s gone mad." Imagine this as a play-by-play along the lines of Twister but playing by myself, trying to stretch muscles I haven't used for anything outside of sex in 15 years (and haven't even used for sex in far longer than I will admit to on the internet at this moment in time). 
7. Because when I grow up I want to be like blogger-to-authors Jen Lancaster of Bitter Is the New Black or Samantha Irby (of We Are Never Meeting In Real Life). Thems are some badass bitches who prove you can earn money by writing in your underwear in the middle of the day.
8. I love making people laugh. When I was a cashier at Whole Foods for my sober job I made it a point to get the grumpy people to laugh (assuming I myself was in a good mood, but if I weren't they could all just go fuck themselves in the armpit with their $7.99 biodegradable deodorant). Making someone especially someone grouchy laugh is like making the world a nano-bit better. The world could use more laughter in it, especially in the wake of such torrential countrywide fuckwittage.
9. Vix the blogging OEN was a badass and I could kind of really use some of her mojo these days. My self-esteem has slowly slid into the Pit of Despair as my waistband has expanded and list of life accomplishments hasn't moved in years. Vix had a lot of double-dog fuck you in her [expression borrowed from my role model, memoir writer Mary Karr] that I desperately covet.
10. The most important reason I started blogging again is that I am suffering from severe writer's anxiety because I have built this book I'm writing into THIS BIG HUGE MASSIVE TEXAS-SIZED THING in my head that has to be good enough and famous enough and bestselling enough to compensate for the fact that I left my architecture career to become a writer. And not a regular writer, but a fantasy writer at that. Like, it is literally my job to write nonsensical, made-up crap and then trick people into buying it. So I am hoping that by writing something that has no pressure, like none at all because only nine of you will read it and that's only if I publish on a Friday afternoon when you're working and all "oh hell to the no, I can't do another lick of work without my face imploding from boredom," that will loosen up the writing in the ol' noggin and things will start flowing right toward a spot on the New York Times Bestseller's list. That's a logical thought process, right? 
11. RIGHT??? Tell me I'm right or I'm going to go eat an entire wedge of gouda cheese and not put it on my calorie counter app.
12. Because my mother told me to socialize more. So this is me, socializing. This counts in the same way my mother used to tell me to go outside and play so I'd take my book outside and go read quietly by myself under a tree while other children played rudely nearby.